Why do you have a website?

The simple answer is that I am an artist. Sometimes I am paid to be an artist, while at other times my craft wallows in a sea of self-neglect, rejection, and subsequent feelings of inadequacy. And yet, I always continue to create be it writing, musical composition, theatrical productions, websites, or the perfect apple-peach crumble crisp tart. I am beyond lucky to be able to sustain myself (and my body's annoying drug habit) through freelance writing and design work. However, most of this work is very structured, being defined by the project at hand. As such, while my creativity is a key factor in the implementation of contracted projects, I am not able to just let the juices flow wherever they want to take me. On the other hand, this website is mine, mine, mine and thus I can let my art just be. Simply "be-ing" is a difficult state to live in, but a beautiful state to create in.

At times, I've wondered if having a website named after oneself (that is primarily about oneself) is the ultimate practice of narcissism. The quick answer is, yes it is. Isahrai.com is an unabashed selfish endeavour. And yet, the responses I get when I update my site - and the responses I get when I don't post for a while or when I take my site down for maintenance - are an affirmation that this work of vanity is also a valid piece of art. The discussions that stem from, the criticisms that fill my email box, and the affirmations I receive from my journal entries are an artist's dream in terms of instant critique gratification. Isahrai.com isn't any more narcissistic than when I get up on stage to sing, when I submit a new play to a repertory competition, or when I tell people "I'm writing a book"...

The simple answer is: there are ideas inside me that I've just got to get out.

What does Quixotic mean?

From the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, "Quixotic" means: 1. foolishly impractical especially in the pursuit of ideals; especially: marked by rash lofty romantic ideas or extravagantly chivalrous action 2. CAPRICIOUS, UNPREDICTABLE

Yeah, that's me.

From an intense round of Scrabble: I played "quixotic" on a triple word score.

He said, "Just because you have a "Q" and an "X" doesn't mean that you can just make up words to get a gazillion points."

Then I said, "Don't challenge my words with fake words. Gazillion is not a word."

"And 'quixotic' is?"

"A word."

"What does it mean, then?"

"It's from Don Quixote. He was a hopeless romantic to the point of obscenity, pursuing love at all costs. Quixotic describes people who are similar in thought and action."

"Ahh, so it's another one of your sexy, exotic words."

"Exotic, yes... but crazy, too."

"Well, you've had experience with both so I guess you ought to know."

What is it with you and Mac computers?

Seriously folks, Apple computers are lovely, easy-to-use, whimsical yet reliable, bad-ass technological kingpins. I started using Macs when I was freelancing in New York at magazines and television production companies. Everyone I wanted to work for used them, so I bought one. I was a born-again Mac convert in no time. On Macs, everything makes sense. I know that for you PC users out there, you think this is heresy. Computers aren't supposed to be easy! Actually, they are. My Powerbook, Beloved, works beautifully and efficiently. She makes me happy. And everyone needs a little happiness in their life. If I ever own a boat, her name will be Mac Compatible.

In other words, the rumor that I sleep with my Powerbook is true. I'm not ashamed one bit.

Why don't you post excerpts of current creative writing work?

I really, really try not to write crap. I hope that my non-crap will someday be published and that people will buy it and put it on their bookshelves. If my writing is available for free to anyone to read, then who is going to shell out money for it?

Of course, the entirety of Isahrai.com is my words, my images, my voice. Although it is a labor of love (and insanity), instead of a labor of wage earning, it is still my work and reflects where my writing is going at any given moment. Journaling in the public space that is Quixotic, helps me to flesh out my thoughts and to put my "game face" on, empowering me to continue developing my voice.

And in the same vein, why don't you write more about current freelance projects?

I like my work. I do not want to be fired. I have heard the cautionary tale of Dooce and I heed the warning. If you really want to know about what I'm working on, call me on a secure line and recite the secret passphrase. For a general overview of my working capabilities & interests, my design portfolio, and my cv, go here.

Seriously, how much coffee do you drink each day?

I drink 8-10 cups of caffeinated coffee and sometimes a few espressos for good measure. After using a French press for my coffee for the last year, I had enough of the messy grounds and sludgy last cup and was about to break down and buy a drip coffee maker. Some late night online wandering led me to the Aerobie Aeropress website and I was instantly sold. The Aeropress uses air pressure to brew coffee, allowing you to use water at a lower temperature and eliminating the bitterness that comes from mixing boiling water with coffee grounds. I can make deliciously strong espresso or coffee in under 90 seconds and the grounds are pressed into a puck that is easily popped into the trash.

I buy my coffee from Cafe Zihuatlan, a shop in town that sells locally-grown, organic coffee. This is one situation where I do not just "make do" with what my small Mexican town has to offer. I really dig their coffee and I crack the girls at Cafe Zihuatlan up when I take my bag of freshly ground mezcla cincuenta-cincuenta and breathe in deeply, exhaling with audible pleasure at the warm scent, "Ohhhhh yeah."

No milk, no sugar, and, as Corina says, it's stronger than crack. I love the taste; I love the aroma even more. I love feeling like a writer when I sit in lotus position at my desk, madly typing with books and notes strewn around my laptop, taking a break every paragraph for one more sip. And I even love the snide comments and amused faces on my friends when I bring my thermos of coffee along for a day at the beach. What's wrong with drinking hot, steaming coffee on the hot, steamy beach? Yes, the rumors are true. I recently found myself drinking - and liking - Nescafe. These are crazy, uncertain times, my friends.

So Mexico, huh? Are you on the run from the law?

Yeah, Mexico. I live here and I didn't rob a bank or kill anyone. Go figure.

What do you miss about living in the US?

I miss my friends, bookstores, shoe shopping, autumn in New England, and Fig Newtons.

And even though you didn't ask... I do not miss falling flat on my ass on ice every goddamned winter. Nor do I miss 24-hour cable news, elevators, fast food, Massachusetts drivers, or New York movie prices.

How do you reconcile living in another country while still being so concerned with US politics? Doesn't that make you a hypocrite?

This question has been quite the hot topic as of late continues to be a hot topic, both in a flurry of not-so-nice emails and over drinks with fellow expatriates. I am an American citizen. I am proud to be an American. I pay taxes. I am registered to vote and do so as an absentee voter. These facts alone give me the right to be concerned with how my money is being spent and how my votes are being turned into policy. These facts alone should be enough to shut my detractors up. But while we're on the subject, let me just say that I am proud to be an American who believes in democracy, free speech, and active citizenship. When I lived in the States, I took my voice to the streets in protest marches and peace rallies. I took my voice to the newspapers in letters to the editor. I took my voice to my congressmen and senators and I took my voice to my fellow Americans in door-to-door campaigns and volunteer work. I may not march anymore but I still write my letters, I still call my representatives, I still reach out to fellow citizens, and I still work to make my community a better place... even if my local community is in Mexico, I believe the global community is just as important in our lives.

I find that living here has given me a unique perspective of the US. In many ways, my vision has cleared. Away from 24-hour news channels and the water cooler discussions, I have the opportunity to seek alternative media sources and to formulate my own opinions on issues. Some of my views have changed as a result of this, while other personal causes have become more passionate as my knowledge and understanding of the issues grow. With my health limiting my ability to work on the front lines, my voice is best used behind the scenes. The same technology that allows me to telecommute from Zihua, also allows me to volunteer on a regular basis with 6 different non-profit organizations. Also, approximately half of my freelance work is for charitable or activist groups in whose purposes I strongly believe.

I am not a hypocrite. I am an American who has chosen to live in Mexico. My reasons for living here are numerous but abandoning my country is most emphatically not one of them. For now, Zihuatanejo is where I live. However, the United States will always be my home.

If you're so interested in politics, why don't you write more about politics in Mexico?

Quick answer: it's not allowed.

With my FM3 resident visa, it is illegal for me to concern myself with local or national Mexican politics. In fact, I am not even supposed to discuss politics in social situations let alone write about it or get involved in political movements. I try to stay informed of local issues but I also do my best to keep my mouth shut. I love living in Zihua and I do not want to be deported (again).

Even if it was legal for me to discuss Mexican politics, I do not know enough about the culture, history, or government structure to speak of it intelligently. I am currently working my way through three different books about the political and cultural history of this beautiful, complicated country. It is quickly becoming apparent to me just how much more there is to learn, just how many layers and plot twists and conflicts have defined Mexico. My private education of Mexico's political history (and current climate) is only one facet of my desire to fully experience my life in Mexico.

Does having a housekeeper make you feel like an elitist snob?

Living in one of the poorest states in Mexico, I struggle a lot with "white guilt" and I don't know if I will ever overcome it. I just try to remember that I work hard for the money I earn. I worked hard in school to have the skills that empower me to earn that money. And I do the best I can to be generous to those around me who have not had the educational opportunities I had.

In order for me to continue supporting myself and paying for my medical treatment, I have to work exceptionally long hours. This work wears me out. I do not have the time or the energy to also keep this large, open-air house clean, maintain the garden, and kill all scorpions and bichos on the premises. I pay my housekeeper a fair wage for the two days she spends at Casa Encantada and I am thrilled with her efficiency, work ethic, and patience with my desire to practice my Spanish with her. I know that she works hard at six days a week, determined to make a better life for her family and a broader future for her children. I believe that I am contributing to these noble goals and to the sustenance of the local economy. And did I mention that I shared my limited supply of Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs with her, too? How dare you call me an elitist snob now?

Which is worse: cancer or schizophrenia?

You might as well ask me "which is worse: being flogged with leather whips or caned with wooden rods?"

Both cancer and schizophrenia suck. Big time.

Cancer is unbelievable physical pain, financial devastation, and mind-numbing fatigue. Schizophrenia is fractured relationships, insomnia, delusions and, worst of all, fear. It is the fear that threatens me most. After being classified as terminally ill for 4 5 of the last 6 7 years, I do not live in constant fear of death. Yet, I do live in constant fear of succumbing to the terrors and unrealities of my mental illness. It has happened before and I have been brought back, each time with a piece of myself missing. What happens when I cross over again to the insanity and I can't be saved?

Why don't you have a specific website section dedicated to cancer or schizophrenia?

There are several reasons why I don't have a "cancer" or "schizo" page. First, if I did, I'd feel as though I had to be completely open about my illness, my treatments, and the impact it has had on my life. Although I try to always be completely honest, I am not comfortable laying my entire cancer-thing out there for everyone to see. There are some things I need to hold back for personal, legal, or medical reasons. My mental illness is something that is always in flux and maintaining a valid and complete section would be a full-time endeavor in itself.

Also, there are peculiarities about my body and its reaction to illness that might mislead someone looking for answers about their own battle with cancer and schizophrenia. My journey with disease has been a unique one to say the least. I do touch on my illness(es) quite often in Quixotic as my blog is the most personal part of my website. This is where I am most comfortable revealing myself as Patient, Survivor, and sometimes, yes, Victim. Older entries relating to cancer and schizophrenia are archived in their own categories as well.

And the final reason is I'm just not in a space right now to write so publicly about it. Someday, I might be.

Do you believe in God?

My answer probably won't please anyone, including and especially God. I desperately want to believe in God. A substantial part of me does. And another part of me hates myself for my faith.

I've searched for God in houses of worship, in ideologies, in sacred texts and other spiritual books. I find connections in some forms of Christianity, in the Science of Mind (Not Scientology), in Mahayana Buddhism, and in pure & simple meditation. Sometimes, I feel filled with a Divine Force, while, at other times, I feel completely devoid of a soul. This feeling isn't connected to whether I'm going to church or not. It doesn't even seem to be connected to whether I believe or not.

I've prayed for many things. Some of these prayers have been answered, some have not. I can honestly say I do not blame God for not answering my prayers and that my (lack of) faith is not based on an unanswered wish list. I continue to pray. Some of my prayers scare me. I'm sure some people think I am an idiot for wanting to believe, considering how difficulddt my faith has been, considering how difficult life has made it for me to trust in anything, especially a Higher Power. I'm sure some people think I am an idiot for wavering in my faith. I'm sure God thinks I'm an idiot for caring what other people think. I hope that God and everyone else understand that I'm doing the best I can.

Can I send you an email? Will you write me back?

Emails are welcome in the form of shared anecdotes, constructive criticism, unabashed adoration, funny nothingness, or general inquiries. Emails that are mean-spirited or that are one long run-on sentence with no punctuation are not welcome. You can write me at isahrai@gmail.com. I will try to write back. I may or may not be successful. I may or may not feel badly about this.

Which of the frequently asked questions is most frequently asked?

Undoubtedly it's "Why do you live in Mexico?" Everyone asks that one. I used to answer the question in depth on this website with an entire section dedicated to living in Mexico but removed it in preparation for my new adventures in Mexican business. You can read anecodotes about life in Zihua in It's Not Just About the Tequila or you can wander over to we heart zihua, a new online community I am co-editor of. And that, dear children, concludes the "sales pitch" portion of the website.

Is there anything else you'd like to say?

Nope. I'm done for now. But thanks for asking.